A Morning Tableau

Every week day morning, while Julie stands in the bathroom curling her hair, Joe pads in to use the potty.  He only ever pees, so he stands.  After he's done, Fans. . .Fans, it takes him forever and a day to gather himself back up and make it back to the dining room table to finish what's left of his yogurt.  First, he just sort of stands there looking all about, but not really taking anything in.  Then, he pulls up his underwear.  That takes about a decade.  After that of course, he spends another decade pulling up his pajama pants.  Despite the fact that about 99% of the time, he would pull his underwear and pants or shorts up together, following his morning pee, this is not the case.  Why?????  Similarly, after he's pulled up his underwear, and then his pants, he will then put down the potty seat--and then the potty lid.  Then, he'll flush.  Then, he'll wander (which is really the only word for it) out of the bathroom.  Increasingly often, Clara will appear at the doorway announcing that she has to go to the bathroom.  Typically this toward the beginning of Joe's lackadaisical morning potty routine.  And why not?  You'll no doubt recall, Dearest Readers, that the bathroom is the smallest room of Raleigh House and the more people that can be in it at one time, the more exciting everything is.

Most mornings Julie will burst out with things like, "JOE!  Joe.  Look.  ALIVE!"  Then she'll think, "Why do you care?  Just mind your business.  Kid wants to take an absolute eon to pee, so be it."  But the next morning, he'll be standing there with his underwear around his knees, paused to consider. . .what?  Who can say?  And Clara will be at the door repeating over and over again that she has to go potty while Julie is like three curls away from being DONE and she'll say something like, "Joe.  We live in a society.  Clara needs to use the potty.  Pick.  Up.  The.  Pace."

By the way, Fans, the fun doesn't stop once Joe leaves the bathroom.  Clara still insists on wiping herself with no more than two squares of toilet paper which she quite deliberately wads up until they are the size of the head of a Q-tip--and then she wipes.  And Julie cannot help herself from saying that this method defeats, utterly, what is surely at least 50% of toilet paper's purpose, it's glory--i.e. to avoid getting pee or poop on one's hand when wiping.  Surely there is a way to be both sanitary and environmentally conscious.

Until they've got it figured out, we'll all be in the bathroom.